My mind keeps replaying those memories these days. Is it because of shock? Or disbelief of the fragility of life? Why have I never notice the signs? Am I blind? Or indifferent?
Everything was slowly getting back to the 'new' normal in the cafe. We all hide behind masks, not being able to breathe comfortably or see each other expression. Customers come and go on their own. Some respect the new rules, while others flaunt it. I quietly take in all of this. No criticism, no judgment. Just acceptance.
One day, a fellow male colleague broke his arm due to opening wine. How the manager mime the incident left me shuddering. Still, life and work must go on. With a picture of proof (him in a cast) and a doctor's note, I gained an extra day of work that week.
Still, the cafe was short of staff. The next week or the week after (can't remember exactly), another colleague was on holiday. Her flight back was canceled. So her return to work delayed. It didn't end there. She also got a covid-19 scare and went through testing. Luckily, it was a false alarm.
Just when she returned, another was planning on departing for a holiday. Before she left, we got a new team member. When he arrived, the majority of the staff were delighted. I remembered one fellow colleague said, "we need more men!". Especially when one broke his arm and few others changed their path during the last year.
My first impression of the newcomer was that he was a quiet guy. And that was it. I was middle of making coffee at the takeaway section when he popped up at the corner of my eye to put his lunch in the fridge. I said hello but got no response. I thought it was the mask and he didn't hear me. And that was all there was to our first meeting. One thing that stood out to me was his uniform. It was a jacket. Our south branch wore shirts.
The next day, it was a normal busy cafe day. Toward the evening, we got a complaint from a regular customer. In the beginning, I thought it was small talks between the regular customer and the female supervisor (who was going on holiday soon). The customer was served by the newcomer at the till before heading to the sit-in collection point (where I was). As I worked away, my ear caught a not-so-whispered conversation (can't be helped, the mask really making whispering hard). The customer remarked how it was better when it was the usual team and how she's a regular, who use KeepCup, would know the rules well. Our supervisor explained he was from the north branch and that we did get a few complaints from others about him during the past few days. I didn't think much of it as all trainees or newcomers get complaints at the beginning. They hadn't grasped the environment.
The next week arrived. It was the newcomer's second week. It was Monday and I started at 1pm. Meaning I will be closing with the manager. The newcomer finished at 7pm, the time the cafe closed and an hour before I get off work. Everything seems normal to me that day.
It wasn't until the next morning when everything appeared out of the norm. I, who was normally punctual, arrived to work late (the bus was late). In a hurry, I entered the staff room, dropped my bag on the nearest chair (which happened to have a jacket on it), opened my bag to grab my apron and lunch, and rushed to the cafe to start my day of work.
The manager sternly asked me what was up? I explained that my bus arrived here at 10am. Then he asked if I saw the newcomer in the staff room. I said no. I had no clue that both people who start at 10 didn't show up on the dot. The manager tried to contact him. No answers. He got the second supervisor to call someone to come in to back up. If it gets busy, having a shortage of staff is a pain to both the staff and customers. The staff got more to handle. Despite our best effort, we can't man the floor and disinfect and tidy all the tables. Due to this, the customer would complain about the tables. (And a quirky thing about some customers. They choose the dirty table over a newly cleaned table. Me and colleague was always like 'why?')
It was later that day, the second supervisor told me the manager wanted to see and temporary swapped position with me. I headed to the kitchen, wondering what could it possibly be for? Sometimes my mind couldn't turn quick enough. Only now, I connect how similar the situation was to when the male colleague broke his arm- bad news and then an extra of work. I always get called for an extra day of work. That's why my translation speed is dropping.
This time was it was the worst news. My manager informed me that the newcomer was found dead that morning in the shower. I felt a zap through my whole torso. I couldn't believe it. He appeared fine just yesterday. Then again. I can't be sure now. Why? Because we are wearing masks! The manager gave me a moment to take in the news before asking me to take the newcomer's Thursday shift. I agreed.
Even though I didn't know him, I felt my eyes slightly teared up as I returned to my station. I really can't believe it. Why did he die? And in all places, a shower? Did he get covid19 and had difficulty breathing during a shower? That sounded implausible. That day when I got off work at six, I noticed the jacket on the chair was the newcomer's. It wasn't just his jacket. His apron was there too. Usually, it wasn't there. Did he plan to leave it there?
It was the next day- aka today. The manager was off just like every other Wednesday. While the training manager, who usually doesn't appear, was here. The training manager took everyone aside with the second supervisor witnessing it. I didn't know it was happening until it was my turn. The training manager broke the news about why the newcomer died. Suicide. He had depression. The training manager awkwardly informed that if ever felt depressed that we can talk to them and that there are anonymous helpline, e.t.c. Before he continued, we received a sudden pop in from a fellow colleague. She had finally made the tulip latte art. It had lightened the mood slightly with her cheeriness. Once she was gone, the training manager asked if I know anything about what the newcomer said that could give any indication.
My answer was no. My time with him was less than a week and the interaction between him and I was less than the number of fingers on my hands. All those interactions were work-related. I can't even pronounce his name properly, which I felt really bad. I only ever seen him conversed with one other colleague. I basically knew nothing about him.
Later today, I went on break the same as the head barista. While chatting with her, I found out he was my age, he was from Panama and he had worked in the north branch for three years. She heard from someone that the newcomer was scared of the manager and that something might have happened between them on Monday, the night he died. That raised some doubts. Did something really happen? I was closing with the manager than night and basically worked the same time as the manager. I was basically working separately from the newcomer most time, so it wasn't strange if I did miss something.
I brought up the regular customer's complaint to the head barista and pointed out that he staying not more than two meters away when the conversation happened. She responded that he was sensitive. She also told me her sister worked with him in the north branch. Her sister was shocked that he committed suicide and cried instantly. Her sister said he was a loud person and was dancing around. From what we have seen in our branch, he wasn't that person. He kept his distance from everyone. Head barista told me she was able to talk and joke with him after she told him that her sister was his colleague. Before that, nothing. He won't greet his fellow colleague and just do his work.
Another shock to me was about the former head barista. She died around this time of the year last year, not long after I started working in the cafe. I thought she died from an illness. Head barista said the former head barista also died from suicide. Former head barista seem like a cheery person when I met her. She taught me how to steam the milk and clean the coffee machine and grinder. Her voice was so gentle and sweet. You really can't see the burden on their shoulder on the surface.
Just like you don't know whether they have scars under their jackets. The newcomer was wearing a jacket every time I saw him. Head barista said the north branch got a t-shirt and jacket. I had wonder wasn't it too hot to wear a jacket inside a shopping center. Maybe that was a sign.
There was a mysterious point in the newcomer's suicide. He did it at his friend's house (told by head barista who was informed by the manager). My first thought was he wanted to be found quicker. That wavered when I heard from another colleague that he was married. Didn't want to put more stress on his family? Or his family stressed him so much he didn't even want to die near his family?
So many facts coming in after he died. It made me feel like I'm unfeeling. I could have reached out. I could have made him more welcomed here. There's so many why going through my head. Why was I so blind? Why can't I act more sociable? These 'why' can't bring that fragile life.
I want to at least keep the memory of him and (former head barista). They had existed. They were young. They were mentally fragile despite their cheery outer exterior.
Please stay well and strong. Suicide may seem like a relief but it leaves behind a trail of grief. Your families, colleagues, and friends can share your burden if you open your heart.
Afterthought on 11/9/20
I later found out he did it due to a breakup. The human tendency to overthink play a large role in everyone's life and affect us emotionally. Look above. It's a clear example of overthinking and getting the wrong idea. It wasn't just me who overthought, my colleagues did too. This led to people getting misinformed and overthink as well.
Please don't bottle it up. Just let it all out in the open. It gives us an answer and a release.
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